One Night, One Choice, One Person – Part 3

Apparently I’m not the first gay guy to love long islands.
Head over to SuperCocktails.com for a recipe. Credit: Supercocktails.com

One night, One choice and one person would change my life forever, at the time I had no clue.

The night started as it usually did, pre-gaming then meeting up with the crew for bar hopping. We went to one of our classic bars serving 24 once long islands or as we like to call them, “a bad idea.” After my third we started walking around to the next bar and I had an excellent idea, “We should go to the gay bar.” I had never been before and was really curious to see what it was like.

My friends are super open about stuff and didn’t care, so we went.

We get to the gay bar and it was a cross between what I had expected and what I didn’t. I was surprised to see so many normal looking guys. It wasn’t how I envisioned it, overly feminine men wearing trendy clothes, it was much more relaxed. Now granted a lot of this was there, but the majority looked like normal guys at bar, excluding the women.

“Not gonna lie it was hot, and on of the first times I felt a man’s scruff against my face.”

I got another long island, this makes 4, but if you count three 24-ouncers… you get the point.  Needless to say I was smashed, and this set me over the edge. My roommate, Phil,  apparently knew I was gay despite the whole girlfriend thing. He never actually told me or said anything about it until after I came out.  This being said he thought it would be a good idea to set me up with this guy he met at the bar.

Trouble Brewing- Part 2 of My Not So “Gay,” Gay Life

Living the whole “double life” was working, but it started to get confusing. When I was alone or in my thoughts I was a gay guy. However, out in public things were very different. Everything I did was calculated to make sure I didn’t come across as “gay.” The way I walked, talked, moved, laughed, spoke and interacted with people was all thought out. It was taxing and stopped me from enjoying a lot of things. I over thought every situation and my anxiety was always high.

When I look back I wasted so much time trying to fit a mold. Yes, it’s cliche, but 22 years later I’m still trying to find who I am, not who I wanted to be. My old life is still around, it’s still apart of who I am and always will be. The meshing of the two together is the difficult part for me. Even more difficult than that is being honest with myself, since I’ve been avoiding it for so long.

My sophomore year I changed universities. At the time it was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make. Leaving my best friends and girlfriend, who I loved, was killing me, but I needed to get away. It was primarily career driven, but I think part of me wanted to leave so I could start over. I was searching for something, I needed some form of comfort.

Finding Out You’re Gay – Part 1

I get asked a lot “How did you not know?” I ask myself the same question often, very often. I think I had an idea I was in someway different, but wasn’t sure. I didn’t know why I felt the way I did, was this normal? Am I like the other guys? It’s hard enough to go through high school, let alone when you question your sexuality. I’m no psychologist and don’t want to be, these are just my first hand experiences.

I made it through high school laying low, dating women and living a fairly happy life. But something was still off, I couldn’t figure it out. I thought maybe this is just how people are.

When I got to college I insisted on hanging with the “bros.” I felt slightly rejected in high school despite not being an outcast. I wanted to prove that I could be what I saw as a “regular guy.” That’s all I wanted, to blend into the sea of men. I didn’t want to be branded as the “gay kid” or the guy who was a little “fem.” If you’ve spent anytime in the gay community you know fem stands for a feminine gay guy.